Is This The Way To Find Love Online?
Geplaatst op 19-02-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
Here’s a good article about how one of their main contributors, Jessica, found her boyfriend online.
There are three points she made that I actually think are interesting.
1. I was really, really, really specific and honest about who I am and what I’m looking for.
If I had to sell myself, I knew I had to do it honestly. I know what I want and I figured that I wouldn’t waste my time or anyone elses’ time if I was straight-up about my wants and needs. That type of candor might make it sound difficult for other people, but I genuinely think it was how I found my dude. Pretty much every guy who contacted me said he appreciated my directness! For instance, my profile said that I am feminist, but I am attracted to more traditional guys. I said I was only looking for a long-term relationship. And I was also straight-up about having a spanking fetish. I laid all my cards out there and as a result, I didn’t waste two or three dates on duds. If saying I’m a feminist or saying I enjoy sex are dealbreakers, then I don’t want to date that person, anyway.
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While I think it’s important to draw as clear a picture as possible, I think a lot of people – men and women – go too far. I’m also not a fan of the, “if they don’t accept me as I am then I don’t want to date them” idea. Listen, I’m pretty sure if we all let it all hang out on our profiles, nobody would get any dates. Plus, describing yourself in a way that conjures up very distinct images/stereotypes – like kinky, feminist, no-nonsense, sarcastic, smartypants, republican, democrat - is unwise. You will not be that one special snowflake that defies the stereotype. Not that soon. Sorry. Being too upfront WILL scare off potentially good people. It just will. Those descriptors will also most definitely attract certain types to you. And they may not be what you want, either.
As for the emails from men telling her how much they appreciated her directness, I have to say that most women get those emails. Especially if their ads mention sex in any form.The mere mention of sex will override anything else in the profile. Many men will overlook the red flags just because of that. Of course a man is going to say he appreciates a woman’s confidence/directness etc. He’s trying to sleep with her. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making it clear that you like and enjoy sex. Just do so with the understanding that a lot of men are going to take that ball and run with it. As an experiment, I suggest some of you ladies create ads on Loveawake and choose “causal sex” as a relationship option. Don’t post a photo or post some cropped pic that doesn’t show your face. You don’t even have to put much in your ad. Watch the responses roll in, and see how many men will compliment you on how hot you are, (despite being headless), how they find your directness sexy, etc. It’s what they do. It means nothing.
Stating that you “only” want a long term relationship guards you from little. It also implies that the person may have been suckered in to dating someone who wasn’t thinking LT. If they were fooled once, they probably will be again.
3. I posted a picture of myself not wearing any makeup.
A guy once told me me — and this is true — that women tend to post the best-looking, hottest pictures of themselves on their profiles. So this guy assumed the photo where she looks least “done up” might be closest to what she looks like, say, on Saturday morning and it was the one he paid the most attention to. Armed with this information, I posted a picture of myself wearing no makeup on my profile. And you know what? I still got responses.
Now this is interesting and I think pretty smart. This is why I advise people against getting professional headshots or photos taking for their profile. People are far too savvy these days. Most of us are aware of the wonders of Photoshop and airbrushing. If you are going to use a photo taken by a pro, with thew right make up and lighting, be sure to include a few “natural” or regular shots. Oh…and DO NOT try and photo shop your own photos unless you are really, really good at it. The tell tale signs of a bad photo shop job are obvious. Also leave the black and white photos to a minimum. Those are usually used (at least for women) to hide wrinkles.
5. I deleted without a response and/or blocked the egregious time-wasters.
One of the quickest ways to get frustrated from online dating is engaging with people who don’t meet the standards of what you’re looking for. If a guy contacted me who seemed otherwise cute/smart/nice but said he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship or wasn’t kinky, I would send him a polite note back that I was flattered he wrote me but I didn’t think we would work out. Guys who were just egregiously not what I was looking for just got ignored.
Yes, yes and YES. That is, except for the part about responding to men who aren’t your type. Do not engage. You’re opening yourself up to having your time wasted by their attempts to convince you or to be assaulted with their rage. Block ‘em. That’s it. There are guys on those sites who will pester you because they feel entitled to a response. By blocking them, they will no longer see your profile. And trust me, there are some men and women on there who will go round and round on that site and forget who they contact.
Finally, it’s important to remember that just because ONE man or woman appears to have stuck around doesn’t mean something “worked.” I keep trying to impress upon people that someone calling you their girlfriend or boyfriend or sleeping over and having breakfast with you or just dating you doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. People will go through the motions unsure of the longevity of the relationship. Until they lay the groundwork demonstrating that they are in something for the long haul, be careful about making too many assumptions.